I listen to our podcasts when I am walking and I heard myself say something a few times now and I want to clarify something. I talk about quitting dieting- and weighing myself as well- in one weekend.
Let me talk about that for a few minutes....... it is sort of misleading.
I realize that it sounds like I got up one morning and just quit dieting without any effort. Or at least that is what I perceived some folks might think, and by contrast might consider themselves unable to quit dieting or what have you.
The reality is that it took me several months to come to this decision. This truly began when I hit my "goal weight" on the weight loss app that I had used. That DAY, after the accolades died off, I began to already feel unsettled. Where was the magic of being my dreamed of weight? Why did I not feel light and free and without cares? How in the HELL was I going to maintain that weight when the diet app said I could EAT all this food again??? This was crazy.
It took about 2 weeks to begin to gain weight, and then I fell down the rabbit hole of lowering my goal weight. I could get the cheers and support again and I could follow that diet religion. But I felt horrible. I hated having to think about food all the time. I apparently was obsessive, as I actually had a friend send me a link to smashing my scale!
I began to worry I would LOSE all my friends who I had found from the social aspect of the weight loss app, not to mention not being that "amazing role model" to all the people around me. What good would I be if I went back to where I was before. I sort of didn't realize I was never going to be the same person again. I didn't know that weight really doesn't make or break friendships, or at least not the ones worth having.
Insert many weeks of thinking and reading and looking for something that could help me live without CONSTANTLY thinking about food. There were blogs found and read, podcasts listened to, and all the surfing of the web for ideas about this. When I was feeling like I had no other way to go but forward down a totally different path- that is the weekend I put it all into place. That was the time frame that found me floundering around trying to figure out what food I could eat- because nothing was off limits any more. It took me a long time to eat Doritos again, because that food rule stayed with me. I still don't drink much soda, but I don't like it any more. I do eat cookies and chocolate and cake and pie when I want and sometimes I don't want because heartburn bothers me. But I know I can have some later or tomorrow or next week.
That weekend was weird, it was summer I know, but I remember standing in front of the refrigerator and closing my eyes and feeling in my stomach and in my mind what would taste good. Figuring out what my body actually wanted. It was such an odd experience. I hadn't trusted myself to choose my food in years. not without guilt or altering it in some way. Editing. I edited my food choices constantly. It was really hard to do, but I went with it. I knew I "could" go back to dieting but I knew I would not. Because it was just so wrong. And the journey continues....
The real healing began when I found my life coach. It sounds like a privileged thing to say, and it most likely is- but getting coaching, or in some cases people may need a therapist, was the best thing I ever did. I found a way to initially get small group coaching that was modestly priced. Right place at the right time. I know now that every penny I spent and will continue to spend is well worth it. If I knew then what I knew now, I would have chosen to spend the money faster..... We are definitely worth the time, energy, work and money to allow us to make a difference in this world with a rich life. We are worth it!
