Clothes, makeup and all the things

Our last podcast explored style- how we found our style, how it has changed, makeup or lack of makeup, why black clothes are really not serving you and many other things.

I listened to this episode and had so many things come up in my mind.  Interesting, or maybe not so interesting, asides and digressions popped up as we were traveling down the diverse roads the three of us are taking.

I discussed my disco days briefly, one of the most trendy and in-style parts of my life, weirdly until recently.  It seems that youth goes hand in hand with trendy, but some of us circle back to a little bit of trendy when we get old and gain all the confidence that we were missing when we were young.  It is an interesting journey, let me tell you. Anyway, I remember LOVING the shiny dark patterned shirts and the pants that went with them and the incredibly high platform shoes from the late 70's.  And to think I danced in those things.  Oh wow I loved those clothes.  They represented freedom to me.  I acquired them when I was in college, when I escaped from my fairly restrictive parents (sorry mom) and seriously cut loose in SO many ways.  I danced, I drank, I did some fairly risky things....  it is a wonder we survived.  But I did and found a husband who is incredibly along the lines of what my family was. Conservative, reserved, funny and lively all at the same time.  So, after moving to the north, I was again landed in a situation that restricted my movement, my freedom and in many ways the pleasures that I had found and reveled in.  Debi was reined in for a while.

I am not saying at all that I regret the life I have- you can't remain 21 forever and your priorities change.  But the fact remains that through geographical reasons, I was trapped in a  very small world.  My parents were 5 hours away, my friends at least as far, then I had kids and as life goes, you have to live with what is given to you.  This particular post has already veered wildly from my original intention, so apparently it needs to be said!

As I implied, I didn't have a lot of style, or even clothes for that matter.  Not compared to what I have now.  I didn't actually need them, I didn't go far and we didn't do a lot.  Mostly we needed WARM clothes because it is damn cold up here.  And the kids and the hubby got the most clothes.  He had a job, the kids grow....  you know the drill.  I didn't have a full time job for a number of years after I got married, so the wardrobe didn't matter in my case.  I remember feeling so excited to pick up some things to wear when I did get my teaching job.  To buy more than 2 or 3 things was just exhilarating.  But I didn't go over board, and I would not call myself stylish at that point.  My "style" was in all the crazy socks I wore- I was strictly utilitarian.  I remember looking at beautiful items of clothing in stores and being so sad that I didn't feel I could wear them.  i told myself it was because I taught art.  Or that they wouldn't fit me....  or that they wouldn't look good.  In reality I didn't think I was good enough to.

Fortunately, as I have mentioned before, when I turned 50 something clicked inside me.  I took back my life.  I had been traveling more by myself, I started doing things I wanted, and generally became more independent.  And during this time I began finding myself - at first by restricting myself until I almost disappeared- and then I found the authentic me somewhere in between.  With a little help from my coach!

In our makeup discussion, Anne-Sophie talked about how no one ever showed her how to put on makeup and so she feels strange when she wears it.  Like it doesn't quite seem right.  My first encounter with makeup was when I was about to enter 6th grade.  My cousin who is a few years older than me had indoctrinated me into the idea that makeup was something that I should have and I should wear.... and when I was up at my Grandma's on vacation ( I think she was there too) I bought some mascara.  It was the old fashioned kind where there was a separate brush thing and the actual product was a cake- sort of like eye shadow.  Anyway- my mom yelled at me and took it away. She and my aunt, and probably my extra conservative Grandma were so disappointed and distraught that I bought that mascara. I guess because I was so young.   I found it a few month later and used it!  Lol.  I wore all sorts of make up in high school, and college, so I am no novice.  I don't usually leave the house with out mascara on (LMAO) but I don't bother with a lot of other stuff.  My skin has changed and I don't want to deal with it.

I use a style service now, I actually began filling out the form for stitch-fix on a whim.  It was almost like my brain had planned it and I was doing it before I even understood what was happening.  And when you fill out the style form, then you have to finish the whole thing because- well, just because.  I have to say that I love the clothes that I have gotten through this company.  I think that they are a little off base on some of their cuts, the arms of their non-stretch clothing is pretty small.  Certainly I am not the only person in the world who has triceps??  I have sent back two kick ass jackets in the last year and a couple other things because of that.  Notice that I don't blame myself??  I happen to know enough about clothing construction to understand that it is the pattern makers fault, not mine.  Just sayin'!!  And you can try it on at home and have a few days to think about your purchase. Stitch fix has been instrumental in figuring out what I look good in now.  Because I have changed, just like we all change all the time. And that is what happens and it is good.  If you don't change, you remain stagnant.

So what is the take away from this podcast episode and I guess from this post....  beyond my usual random neuron firings.....?
Know that you are worthy of attention... you are worthy of spending some money and time to make yourself feel good.  You might be a full makeup face person or not.  You might be a dress and skirt girl, or maybe pants are better.  You might love to wear jewelry of all sorts, or you might break out from it all.  However you are, please don't hide yourself.  You don't have to wear baggy black clothes.  You should be able to feel comfortable and stylish.  Beautiful and at ease.  We have some pretty good choices these days, not perfect but it is getting better.  Don't forget that you are here to live your life, you are not here to please others.  You literally can wear what you like.

Oh yeah, that Karl Lagerfeld thing?  You know that the high fashion houses only make like 2 sizes because the are trying to remain exclusive.  By making themselves seem "ultra special" they are making themselves an ultra amount of money.  It is a way of the wealthy keeping themselves apart from others.  It is exclusion at its worst.  It is oppression in an insidious form.  Don't even get me started.

So start small and try something a little different.  You just never know how something will look unless you try it on.  Leila's advice and discussion about taking it home because dressing rooms are not safe places.  Life is hard enough without dressing room traumas.  You know that saying fake it u until you make it?  For all three of us, the confidence came second.  We basically worked our way to inner confidence by pretending at least some of the time. Because it works.  And we are more than good enough to deserve that confidence in our life.

I didn't recover right....

I just finished recording a magnificent podcast with Anne-Sophie and Leila.  This coming week is National Eating Disorders awareness week, and we all shared our stories.  When the podcast goes live I will try to remember to link it up here.  The podcast is UP!!

Both Leila and Anne-Sophie had diagnosed eating disorders and were in official treatments for them. They had some serious issues and I am one of the most grateful people in the world that their treatment has brought them into my life.  They went through a lot of seriously dangerous - health-wise- times in their lives and fortunately found the places, people and techniques to overcome and continue to recover from these illnesses.

My story is different than theirs, as I had no official diagnosis.  I want it to be known that I neither think this is better or worse- it is just different.  This is a huge moment of self realization #1  for me this week.

When I was at the beginning of my search for another way to live other than dieting, I didn't feel worthy.  Even though I was thin enough to fit into the accepted social standards of "she looks good" I didn't feel that I was thin enough.  Though I had extremely disordered eating- to the point of cutting my calories to the point that my exercise zeroed out my intake for the day and I thought that was  not only ok, but admirable- I didn't think I did it well enough.  When I began to recover from this, through a life coaching program that had me writing my way through the different aspects of my life- I didn't think I was "sick enough" to spend the money to get through it and recover.

And now, even though I don't believe it, there are some who probably believe i didn't recover right.  And maybe juuuuuusssssst a tiny bit of myself may have believed that for a moment, too.  (HMOSR #2)

Since there is still the underlying message in society that being thinner is inherently better than being heavier, it seems to my warped-up mind that ultimately you should be able to eat what you want, not restrict and stay on the lighter side.  That, if you are honoring your body, the least your body can do is pay attention to all the ads and beauty sites and become or stay visually in alignment with what they are showing.  That you need to have visible muscles to be strong. That if you gain weight and no longer look like a 12 year old, and if not,  you have some how failed.  blah blah blah..... bullshit.

This interesting bit of news occurred to me during the podcast and I quickly wanted to call myself out on said bullshit.

I know that I have recovered right.  I recovered right because I can have a half of a pb sandwich and a brownie for breakfast and it was good and I didn't even think about it.  I can choose to skip the gym and a long walk this weekend because I need down time and it is ok.  I can immerse myself in another good book instead of "accomplishing something" because it is what I need to do.  Debi has recovered in her own unique Debi way.

And most important is that I KNOW I needed TO recover.  It doesn't matter if I had a diagnosis, because I was trying to alter my body in unnecessary ways: by restricting my food and viewing myself as good or bad on any given day or in any given moment based on what I have eaten,  to choose forms of movement  **or not moving** that are right and good for me regardless of the should that are swirling in my head, or to participate in activities that have nothing to do with my exterior body.  I am good enough to make my life better by concentrating on friends, family and activities that give me true and honest joy.  Not because they are subtracting something from my body, but because they are adding things to my actual life.

And damn it, I am good enough to do that.  And so are all of us!  You do you- you are entitled- and you are good enough to recover.

Another blog?!?

Hello everyone!

I have been writing off and on almost since the inception of my main blog about my personal journey of losing weight, gaining fitness, losing my actual mind, gaining weight, breaking things, and generally noticing what the universe has been telling me- sometimes in subtle ways and sometimes with a nice smack between the eyes with a flyswatter.

After a life of feeling like I need to alter my body, and feeling SO MUCH SHAME about how I look, I have found peace and freedom.  This is the first installment of my journey- and I am definitely not a linear person, so don't expect much of a timeline after these first few paragraphs!

You see, I have spent my life, like many or most women- and some men- imagining that I was not good enough.  I was told over and over through many venues that I did not look like I should.  I did not have the right body, I could not trust myself and I had no idea what I was doing.  Whatever I was doing- it was most certainly wrong.  Now of course, there is a lot more to life than just this- everyone has their crap.  Junk from their childhood, stuff from adolescence, garbage that comes from adulthood, sketchy things gleaned from your family.....  all the imperfect crap that has indeed contributed to making up the unique person that is me/we/us/you.

So about 6 or 7 years ago I found a weight-loss app, and then a running app and a BMI app and 100 pushups app and all the other apps, and apparatus and such, that comes from being sold a program for weight-loss.  I was solidly immersed in this life for 3 years while I lost a lot of weight and attained my "goal weight".....  isn't that lovely?   The ugly side of it was the fact that I was starving myself.  I was tired and hungry and freezing cold---  I, in that whole entire 3 years, never once ate and exercised "perfectly" and so I was never really satisfied.  I was miserable and cranky a lot.  I also over exercised myself into numbness in my hands, wrecked knees and other various injuries that just didn't need to happen.  Now, I can't totally discount those years as I have made some AMAZING friends, people I would never trade for anything, and I did find my voice, my courage and my self-confidence.  All of those experiences have made me uniquely me.

I remember a time when I was eating supper with my hubby at a local restaurant, they specially made me a lovely pasta and veggie plate with marinara.  I planned to eat only half and take the rest home.  I was so close to my goal weight I needed to "watch" every bit.  But my body betrayed me and I ate the whole thing. Because I was freaking starving...... I cried when I got home.  I cried over eating fettuccini.  I remember having people tell me how they wish they could have my willpower and not have bread and the potato when we were out.  I remember standing on the other side of the teachers lounge dying to have a cookie and I had to eventually quit going into that room so I could avoid being tempted.  I remember telling someone that nothing tastes as good as thin feels.....  wow I was full of crap.

When I hit my goal weight, no angels sang and my life did not become better.  I had no idea what to do with myself.  What could I eat- how could I have that many calories and stay the same weight?  How could this work?  It didn't, because diets are not sustainable and they do not work.  They do not. During this period of time, I remember thinking underneath of the calorie obsession that I really wish I didn't have to think about food all the god damn time.  That I could just eat and not think about what  or how much or what time or whatever.  I admitted to myself that I needed to change my life.

So, I was introduced by a well meaning friend to an exercise coach/writer, who had a really good post about smashing your scale- or throwing it away or some such thing.  She is on the right track, but still talks in her blogs about losing fat and gaining muscle.  Which is not a negative thing per se, but she is in the biz of encouraging women to change their bodies.  Well, that led me to another blogger, who I really like- Isabelle Foxen Duke- and I read her blog and found out that she was on this thing called podcasts.  I searched around for more podcasts and found the likes of Summer Innanen and eventually found the work of Anne-Sophie Reinhardt.  And so guess who is podcasting with her now??!!  ME! YAY!  I and a wonderful woman named Leila Hays have teamed up with Anne-Sophie and we have been podcasting for several weeks now.  It is an exciting and amazing thing to do.

I began this blog that is dedicated to body positivity because I am not part of the industry like Anne-Sophie and Leila.  But I have a lot to say and I didn't want to have this all on my other blog.  I have the other one for my personal life and my photography and a bit of art teaching and all, and wanted to have a separate spot for this.  I  have felt over the past few weekends like adding to and responding to the podcast I am on and also to some I listen to.  SO many interesting things.... so much good stuff.  So many ways to say that we are more than good enough.  We don't have to change to suit anyone.