Curiosity and coaching

We had an awesome podcasting session today, there were so many things that I wanted to add as I was listening to it while I was walking....  but as frequently happens, listening to the podcast settles the comments I have and so I forget them.  lol..... oh boy.

We discussed curiosity as it relates to changing your life and quitting dieting.  We gave you some ideas for turning your mind to another way of thinking instead of the usual weigh/restrict/workout way that we as adults generally do.  What will your day look like?  What can your day look like? 

Maybe you are like me and you had no idea what the answers to those questions were- because you have never lived in your adult body trusting yourself.  Never thinking that you were good enough because everyone around you is also doubting themselves and turning their bodies over to what ever pseudo-health professional was the hot ticket at the time.  Whatever "amazing" diet was popular at the time.  Anything except letting yourself and your body do what it wanted to do.

We talked about those trigger foods or those forbidden foods that you just couldn't let yourself have.  People really just don't understand that you indeed will not eat those foods exclusively for the rest of your life! But if you proclaim that you can't trust yourself around pizza, or cookies, or chips then you will indeed want them more than you have ever wanted anything before because you "can't handle them".  Such nonsense.  As unintuitive as it sounds, letting yourself actually eat any food will result in normalized eating.  It is in the denying of the food that the problems occur.

You know of kids (I had one of them) who only ate a few foods and no amount of threatening or cajoling or bribing a 2 year old can make them eat something they don't want.  And they grow up just fine.  That kid of mine is 6 ft tall and it took a long time but he now eats a variety of foods that is more than mac and cheese and hot dogs.  So think about that- kids really have fine instincts about what they eat until we start meddling in it.  They will get a nice variety of food in over a period of time with not a lot of help from us.  When we start withholding the desserts and making them have specialness or moral value- that is where those eating issues begin.  So give your inner child dessert if they want it, who really cares??  There is no food police.  You are a grownup- eat what you like.  Aren't you wondering what that would be like?

It is interesting that I began my search for a way out of dieting on almost the same day as I hit my "goal weight" on that weight loss app.  I was doing my usual freakout and someone sent me a post about smashing your scale.  My introduction to the idea of not letting your scale rule your life and your day.  I of course scoffed at such a notion, I wanted to stay the exact same weight as I was then but then not think about what I ate.  The weight loss app people implied it was just as easy as upping your calories when you hit that magic weight, keep up the exercise and of course keep recording your food.  You know, obsess over it and buy all those fancy things and invest in better shoes and keep living a life that was ruled by extraneous rules that really had nothing to do with you.

The blog post that I read was actually by an exercise person who was restricting the hell out of herself, though she claimed that she didn't, but it was a beginning.  One thing lead to another and I eventually found the world of podcasts which really allowed me to find a new way.

On the podcast today Anne-Sophie and I talked a little about the Body Love Writing Circles.  It was a program that totally changed my life.  The 6 months of work made a big dent in the 50 plus years of me not believing I was ever good enough.  It was the way I made huge strides in changing my thoughts and beliefs and that process still continues.  It was what has lead me to where I am today- a much happier person who has so many facets of her life.  I can not begin to imagine my life without having gone through it.  I'm so grateful for what it began in me.

Invest in yourself, find a program, get a coach (I know of a really good one!!!  :)  ) you are so totally worth it.

Transitions

I have not written a lot here lately; I thought it was because I was too busy/not inspired/nothing worth talking about.  Turns out that I was changing.  Turns out that I was stressing out over things that I hadn't identified, actually things that hadn't yet happened and things that happened a lot time ago and affected me in ways that I didn't realize.

I experienced a couple of really intense coaching sessions in the last few weeks that allowed me to understand the transition that I am experiencing.  Without going into it specifically, I needed to talk about something that I absolutely did not want to discuss.  I had to talk about it when I was screaming inside that I want to hide and  not go there and pretend it isn't occurring.  I accidentally blurted it out to a friend of mine while I was doing a heart to heart exchange of crap going on in our lives.  And I felt the lift in my spirits immediately.

I had gone through an experience which prepped me for this, but I identified it as an off limits topic.  I grudgingly answered the questions on my coaching session last week- and it allowed a tiny little leak in my wall that was holding an ocean of troubles in.

The thing is that this experience that I am referring to was a total not fair/blind-side me situation that had me reeling for days.  I mean days and days of feeling in a funk and not feeling worthy and feeling like I must have done something wrong, even though I am only guilty of being an imperfect human who meant no harm.  It was one of those situations that when you tell a couple (2 to be exact) friends about it, they are totally supportive, but somewhere deep inside you don't believe it.  You relive a situation over and over and beat the crap out of yourself for reacting like you instead of like a different person.  You know deep inside that you are not worthy of love and respect and decency.

Anyway, I am one to look for something good to come out of every situation, no matter how unfair and obnoxious, but I can see it today.  Today I can see that I needed to face my fears and worries, that I was no longer the same person I was and I am transitioning.  Not into a new me or anything, just transitioning into a new phase of life.  The situation, as horrible as it was, released those little leaks in the wall and the flow has begun.  I am beginning to flow into another stage of my life.

I realize this moment that I have truly begun to divest myself of the residual effects of a lifetime of dieting.  I have quit using my exercise app, I never count calories or track my food.  I am understanding the lingering thought blockages from restriction and am reliving some of the ways I felt before I lost weight.  I have days when I feel horrible in my body, but I now understand that there is some emotional thing that I need to deal with to make that feeling go away. Though I don't consider dieting- I sometimes feel my brain want to grasp onto the safety of restriction and overexercising. Safety that came from diverting my attention to what was really bothering me to obsessing about how I looked.  And I did that for so many many years.  It is never too late.

After a really brutal coaching session yesterday, Anne-Sophie said to me- do  you realize that you are not dealing with all these feelings with food at all?  I got the biggest smile on my face.  It is true.  I just don't.  Wow, that is huge.  No hiding food from people, no arguing with myself over what and when to eat, no spending massive amounts of money on things to eat or items to use to exercise with. No supplements that seriously do nothing for you anyway.  This was a happy moment.

The flow that began during these latest coaching sessions has continued today.  I have identified two more HUGE memories of people that have abandoned/turned on me for a reason that is still not known.  And I may never know why these things happened, and the thing is that it doesn't matter anymore.  Now that I know that these things drive some very deep seated fears of mine, it is much easier to examine these painful memories.  It also makes it easier to see how I sometimes distance myself from people that young Debi sees as a danger.  A danger that they will leave me somehow and I won't have the pleasure of their friendship anymore.  That I am not worthy of them keeping in touch with me.  That I will be abandoned.

I am saying these things because I know that there are a lot of people who might read this  are at the beginning of their journey and you NEED to know that it is possible to change.  I had completed the first "successful" diet of my life 5 years ago, and felt just as horrible about myself as I had before.  I got to my goal weight and kept lowering it.  I got to my goal weight and all I could think of was I didn't want to do this all my life.  I just didn't want to DO this all the time.  And then I started looking around for some sort of guidance and Isabelle Foxen Duke said on a podcast with Anne-Sophie (first time I ever heard of my sweet coach A-SR) that she didn't want to think about food every god damn minute of her life.....  I grabbed that phrase and have held it tight because it spoke a basic truth that I knew was valid.

It is simple but it is not easy.  It isn't difficult, it is different.  And it is worth every penny, every tear, every page in a journal and meditation time and facing of fears and realizing how you can live an authentic life - a life that is large as you want....  a life where you don't have to shrink to meet the needs of someone else.

And we are all more than good enough for that.

My walking companions

I use walking as a major source of stress relief, the movement to keep myself "in shape" (be able to climb every mountain and kayak every sea- now sing that to yourself in the "Sound of Music" song and see if that leaves your head anytime soon. :) ) and as an excuse to take pictures.  These may or may not be any particular order, and that can change on any given day.  Anyway, I usually listen to podcasts while I am walking.

The podcasts I listen to are the diet recovery type (because I don't know what else to listen to right now) - including the one that I am a part of   I sometimes listen to my music but regretfully my phone doesn't have my favorite playlists anymore---  an unfortunate occurrence when I had to replace my phone last summer.  I have to reload them from my Dropbox at some point, but you know- sometimes things like that just don't get done.

The problem with listening to podcasts while you are walking is that you forget what in the world you were inspired by whilst walking, and this is getting to be a real problem.  Am I going to have to take along a notepad??  I get distracted by many things- mostly my incredibly active imagination- and I indeed forget by the end of the hour or so.  sigh.  I will listen to them again soon, but I did retain a memory from the end of a different podcast than Escape Diet Prison.  The ones I listen to are really good, but today it was apparent to me how different I am, in many ways, than most of the people who participate in the body positive/anti-diet sort of media.

A woman was chatting with the host about her history and what she does and she talked about how back several years ago she was just a child and so different--- and then she said she was 26. (All of my children are older than her)   hmmmm.  I am not saying that what this lovely person wasn't interesting or relevant or authentic.  She was- but when I heard her tell her age, I started thinking about how different things were "when I grew up".

Maybe the different isn't so much the when-I-grew-up sort of thing, but instead the how-long-I-have-been-doing-this sort of thing.  I don't mean at all to imply that younger people haven't gone through a lot of shit in their life.  People who have really suffered the physical and emotional effects of an eating disorder or disordered eating of any sort clearly have been through combat. And recovery from that is brutal.

I have been through that combat, and it is not fun, but it does lead to a much better life.  But beyond that, I have been around a while and I have probably never had a truly comfortable relationship with my body.  Until now.  I think back to my 20's and 30's and 40's and know that I was on a constant quest to change myself.

What began in my early teens with a casual comment that I would grow into my "baby fat", my mother admitting that she smoked to keep her weight down, the magazines that even then plugged different products that would guarantee weight loss.  It was hard to find cute clothes, or at least that was my perception at "my size".  We only had one car and we lived a distance from the mall and clothes stores....  and manufacturers really did not make stylish clothes in larger sizes.  If you think that you have a hard time now (it seems recently- in the last 2/3 years- that this is getting better: thank you internet) you should have been around then.

Forward to my 20's when I had my three boys.  I was cautioned over and over not to gain too much weight (while pregnant)- for no other reason that I could see than to keep my weight down.  I tested fine for everything including gestational diabetes and all the other lovely things that can happen.  While no one actively told me to lose my baby weight, that was expected.  In spite of no internet, there was pressure to regain your pre pregnancy body.  Ladies I knew complained about how they grew shoe sizes or how their waists were never the same.  Some hated that the boobs they grew during pregnancy then shrunk and then sagged.  You know because we want to stay the exact same from the age of 14 on until we are 85..... and those changes are so bad.  (sarcasm alert)

As the kids grew, I continued on my quest to lose weight, and was successful once or twice.  But as diets do, once you quit or are bingeing in response to the restrictions,  they fail. I was waiting for an art teaching job to open, so I was biding my time until I could begin a full time job.  All the while wishing for a different body.  Ignoring the fact that I was very frustrated and impatient to start a job I wanted. As we all have,  I was dealing with my own things in my life and all the while - so not happy.

I remember waking up for years thinking how I was going to "start today" to lose weight and then by the end of the day - I did things to make myself perceive that I failed.  I focused on my eating, I beat myself up if I didn't get the correct amount of exercise, I didn't feel like I had enough money to invest in the programs that were actually in our remote area- things like Weight Watchers or what have you. Instead I used the information that a friend had as she used it, and she shared.  I bought special food, restricted my calories, recorded everything and eventually got so sick of it all that I gave up.  Or I should say allowed myself to just drop it gradually.

I did this with a few programs, lost weight and then gained it back.  And then felt awful, all the while our culture encouraged that feeling of failure by always having a new program that was "sure to work when other things let you down".  Always a tone of- wow you loser, you can't even follow a simple diet.  I felt like I couldn't do anything right because I was always so hungry I caved.

Fast forward to the internet and me getting a smart phone and eventually a computer and WIFI.  And there was my"savior" a health and fitness app that helped me keep track of my food and exercise.  I had my phone with me always so I could fill in the form all the time and ALSO I had **friends** who helped support my quest.

I am not going to say that using the app and finding these friends was a bad thing because 2 or 3 of those people have become some of my closest friends.  I can not regret that time, as I actually came into my own - and most likely because of my age- I began doing things EVEN IF I was afraid.  My parents did not encourage doing unsafe things, my husband certainly does not, and I for the most part found "safe" friends.  But once online, I found not "safe" friends- not that they were creepy, but they did not encourage me to stay exactly the same and not break out of my shell.  My safe friends encouraged me to do things I didn't think I could do.  One of them constantly challenged me to do things I implied I couldn't.  And then I did.

Perhaps all these things happened because I grew up in a time when we were much less connected, and we lived on a farm far from our neighbors and I loved 10 miles from school.  My parents very much kept to themselves and we socialized with only a few families, most were relatives.  I understand how I am a product of my environment and of my own personality tendencies.

Anyway, I find I have a very different perspective on life these days, and it is frequently underscored when I am interacting with the many younger friends that I have.  Just because you are different doesn't mean you are wrong, and just because you are older doesn't mean your view is not important. We have a lot to share and a lot to teach, but it is very good to listen for alternative points of view as well.  But know that you have more wisdom than you can ever imagine and when you blossom and trust yourself and believe that you are worthy of sharing your thoughts.  You are more than good enough to contribute to this world.

Bob and Oprah

The Escape Diet Prison podcast has had 2 celebrities as points of discussion lately, here and here, and apparently they have been pretty popular.  And shockingly (no really- I am surprised) one of them was actually controversial.

People who know me in real life do understand that I am not a person who goes in for controversy.  I don't like conflict, I even get a little antsy during something that is supposed to be "fun" like a football game.  I just don't like it.  

So it was a surprise to me when I found out that MANY people messaged Anne-Sophie about our Bob Harper discussion.  Some people felt we were being unkind, thin-shaming and the like.  **needlescratchmoment**

Seriously??

Let's step back to the Oprah episode for a moment.  It was a very popular episode apparently- I want you to know that I have no knowledge of numbers or comments because I am not in any form an owner of the podcast.  Which is a-ok, dandy and fine with me!  I just know that was one a lot of people listened to.  We discussed ideas about whether Oprah should be trying to become something she is not, why the wealthiest woman in the US and a talented entrepreneur should try to be changing her body and most of all why she is using her popularity for financial gain.  None of us are particular Oprah fans, but we have no overt problem with her, in fact have varying degrees of admiration for her success in business, etc.  We did talk about why someone who is as successful as she is feels the need to change herself- could be construed possibly as somewhat controversial, but as far as I know there were few or no people saying we were picking on Oprah.

Fast forward to Bob Harper.  Here we discussed how different it would be (and Oprah's name was  brought up) if someone heavy would have had this heart attack, how the media and others would not have blamed genetics, how this man- as he makes his living to look a certain way as a trainer- most likely over exercises and (as Leila discussed- a man as tall as he is to only weigh what he does) this guy restricts his food.  He is not a teenager anymore(52?), people tend to put on natural weight as they age, their hormones are not the same...... There was little to no discussion in the media reports that thin at any cost might have been partially responsible for his health issues.  HIS ACTIONS MIGHT HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT!!  And we are scolded for possible thin-shaming and other more mysterious things that are not easily identifiable.  We were being mean.  Um, no.

I (and I assume we) have no bad feelings for the person that is Bob.  He is most likely a nice person, but Bob is on a bad tv show.  A tv show that fat shames others.  A tv show that starved and over-exercised contestants, one that encouraged them to eat less food than the calories they burned....  a tv show that one blogger pointed out- if the producers did this to animals they would have been shut down by animal rights activists so fast their heads would have spun. (this was paraphrasing but the spirit is the same).  How is it that its ok to in essence torture people and it is ok for our entertainment?

So it is ok that we called out Oprah but not Bob?  Why is that?  Could it be that we were destroying ideas (that are LIES )so deeply embedded in our culture that people feel threatened by it?  Were we discussing things that hit so close to home in a person's journey that they lashed out so they didn't have to do that body image work, or feel that feeling, or know that what is presented as the truth in our culture is one of the biggest fallacies in our world??  If you feel uncomfortable about this- think about why?  Oprah is heavy, a woman, a woman of color, and beloved by many.  Bob Harper is thin, a male, a white male, and is probably seen as an authority figure of some sort.  It challenges much of what we believe in our core to be correct.  That a guy who looks like he does- he cannot be held accountable for his genetics, and yet it is just fine for Oprah to "fix" the one thing that to some peoples eyes needs fixing.  That it is fine for Bob to diet and over exercise however he deems necessary to look a certain way, and yet, by the lack of response to our discussion, people feel that it is ok for Oprah to adhere to wanting to attain a certain look. STILL!!!  She STILL isn't quite right?!?! These are some of the deepest issues of our western world and it pisses people off when those "truths" are challenged. Thin privilege does not like to be questioned. And when it comes to it- how they look are not what is important about either of these two people.

We are better than this.  

Time to realize how our culture judges people- by the most shallow of requirements.  Time to really improve the quality of your life in meaningful ways- how our bodies look is not meaningful.  What is in your heart and soul, what you do to enrich your life and that of your loved ones, your service to others and what you stand for are far more deep and authentic.  Step out of your comfort zone for a moment and do that hard thing.  Believing what most people find unbelievable- that you are not  your body.  You are so much more than your shell.  You are already more than good enough.

Daffodils and waterbottles- self care and balance

Self-care and balance was the subject of the last podcast that we (Leila had to miss this one- *sadness*) recorded and it is something that I have been thinking about ever since.  I was fortunate to have a little time to listen to us while I actually went for a walk- outside!  and in the SUN today and I wanted to develop the ideas I was trying to say in this episode.

Balance in life is "possible" but what exactly is that?  What does this- in the present day's popular vernacular- even look like? I think the answer to that is an individual's idea of balance.  For me- being an optimist that I am- balance means that I am happy, that the irritations of the day leave me immediately after the situation has resolved itself, that I am happy to talk to people when I see them and I am happy to be alone when I get home as well.  I think happy is at my center of balance.

What could this look like to other people?  Could your balance mean literally that the bad times during the day are balanced by things going sort of ok- that your generally pessimistic outlook on life is balanced by a few things that don't suck?  I know people like that.  Are you an introvert and your balance in life is being largely left alone because you work in a somewhat solitary job, and you have a small family and limited social life, but enjoy being out and about in a limited fashion?  Perhaps you are fairly extroverted and you are on the phone with your friends frequently, and have a public workplace, then need to spend time with others in the evening and chit chat on text until you go to bed? What does balance mean to you?  I am not criticizing these ways of looking at life, merely thinking of people I know and trying to see from their point of view and imagining what could be a balanced life.  I, of course, only barely touched the surface of this, but the amazing differences in people would lead to different definitions of what balance is.

In our case, we were discussing the balance between real life and healing and I have to imagine that everyone processes this differently as well. I have to imagine not everyone can do this, but,  I personally went cold turkey when I began my healing and escaping from diet prison.  I quit weighing, dieting, and embracing diet culture really quickly, in literally a day.  I decided to stop and I did.  This does mean that I floundered around for quite a while, because after more than a couple decades of thinking that following diets and shrinking myself was the only way to self fulfillment, it took a lot of time and a lot of self care and body image work to change the way I saw myself.  There was not a lot of balance during the first few years of healing, there was a lot more feeling free, though.  It was outstanding to just eat what I wanted.  It took a lot longer to come to terms with the exercise component but I did.  It is so nice to really not care what I have for any given meal.  I don't care what my macros look like, don't think about if I have had more than 2 pieces of bread in a day, feel no concerns when I pick up a second cookie if it will feel good in my tummy.

Freedom gave me the space in my mind to work on my body image and my self worth.  I said in the podcast that I still have feelings that I am not doing enough, that I don't deserve to take rest time, or have down days.  (The self worth work goes on, but it is much easier to identify that there is something that needs to be turned and examined.)  So there surely was not a lot of balance during my early recovery period, there was just a lot of time given to my inner work.  I did a lot of guided meditations, I journaled, I had group and private coaching.  The meditations included visualizations and breathing work. I was religious in working on these things, doing the assignments and writing prompts from the group coaching, listening to the "tapes", finding new things to read and people to follow on social feeds.  And then I found I didn't have the NEED to listen to my morning meditation.  Didn't HAVE to journal for pages and pages every day....  that is when the balance began to happen.

I was trying to convey in the podcast that I think the balance of healing and real life happen in ebbs and flow.  We have cycles of nature, cycles of energy, and I think cycles of balance and imbalance.  I think the balance in our life happen when we can handle the things that are bringing us to our knees or making us not sleep at night or rest like a giant ball in your chest that take up all the space you usually have for patience, and breath, and love, and compassion.  When we know what authentic self-care tools we have to use and where we can go when we are in crisis.  The balance comes in knowing that we can find our way out of this and it does not involve trying to control life and people and situations and love by making ourself LOOK different or a certain way or a eat a different way because if I lose weight everything will be right again, because it is sort of magical because all the people on tv and the internet say our life will be perfect if we shrink and take up less space and become less than what we are.  whew.  No- that won't work at all, dieting won't work at all.

Self-care tools at their finest frequently don't cost anything.  They don't involve having someone do something fancy or luxurious for you.  While having the pedicure or massage or buying the shoes or the daffodils or taking that bath in the good bubbles might be momentarily amazing, these are the lesser self care practices.  These don't bring to your mind the things that affected your outlook on life from your childhood, or the friends that betrayed your, or the trauma you suffered, nor really do they help you see them from where you are living now, from your present point of view.  They don't let you really decide that the mean girl in your mind is really not speaking the truth.  The lesser self care practices don't cause the sublimation of healing happen in your mind and change your go to responses to stress.

Writing in  journal/notebook/scrap paper, meditation in whatever form works for you, movement that is healing and not punishing, breathing purposefully and rhythmically are things that are authentic forms of self care.  Moments that you find during your day- only 30 seconds or a minute- to truly give yourself positive reinforcement in some way are incredibly effective.  In my case, the water bottle filling, when I breathe slowly to relax myself is far superior to the beautiful little bouquet of daffodils I bought myself last week.  The flowers were lovely and I adore them, but they didn't quite do the trick to rescue me from my acute distress.  Coaching, visualization, time to actually relax and giving myself permission to be put aside things that just didn't need doing are what got me out of my funk.  I never could write out a sentence that said the last two weeks I have felt like a total disaster, a failure, a shipwreck and I can't sleep or relax  because.......  I kind of don't really know.  I do know that facing all the issues that were adding up and making myself stop several times a day to hold my hand on my heart and breathe into it was the thing that broke the cycle and has me back in balance.  Every time I face the demons and can bring myself back to balance without being on a diet or blaming my body for the situation brings me another day of peace.  

Take the time to find your own authentic self care and think about what balance means to you.  We are more than worth it.

I didn't recover right....

I just finished recording a magnificent podcast with Anne-Sophie and Leila.  This coming week is National Eating Disorders awareness week, and we all shared our stories.  When the podcast goes live I will try to remember to link it up here.  The podcast is UP!!

Both Leila and Anne-Sophie had diagnosed eating disorders and were in official treatments for them. They had some serious issues and I am one of the most grateful people in the world that their treatment has brought them into my life.  They went through a lot of seriously dangerous - health-wise- times in their lives and fortunately found the places, people and techniques to overcome and continue to recover from these illnesses.

My story is different than theirs, as I had no official diagnosis.  I want it to be known that I neither think this is better or worse- it is just different.  This is a huge moment of self realization #1  for me this week.

When I was at the beginning of my search for another way to live other than dieting, I didn't feel worthy.  Even though I was thin enough to fit into the accepted social standards of "she looks good" I didn't feel that I was thin enough.  Though I had extremely disordered eating- to the point of cutting my calories to the point that my exercise zeroed out my intake for the day and I thought that was  not only ok, but admirable- I didn't think I did it well enough.  When I began to recover from this, through a life coaching program that had me writing my way through the different aspects of my life- I didn't think I was "sick enough" to spend the money to get through it and recover.

And now, even though I don't believe it, there are some who probably believe i didn't recover right.  And maybe juuuuuusssssst a tiny bit of myself may have believed that for a moment, too.  (HMOSR #2)

Since there is still the underlying message in society that being thinner is inherently better than being heavier, it seems to my warped-up mind that ultimately you should be able to eat what you want, not restrict and stay on the lighter side.  That, if you are honoring your body, the least your body can do is pay attention to all the ads and beauty sites and become or stay visually in alignment with what they are showing.  That you need to have visible muscles to be strong. That if you gain weight and no longer look like a 12 year old, and if not,  you have some how failed.  blah blah blah..... bullshit.

This interesting bit of news occurred to me during the podcast and I quickly wanted to call myself out on said bullshit.

I know that I have recovered right.  I recovered right because I can have a half of a pb sandwich and a brownie for breakfast and it was good and I didn't even think about it.  I can choose to skip the gym and a long walk this weekend because I need down time and it is ok.  I can immerse myself in another good book instead of "accomplishing something" because it is what I need to do.  Debi has recovered in her own unique Debi way.

And most important is that I KNOW I needed TO recover.  It doesn't matter if I had a diagnosis, because I was trying to alter my body in unnecessary ways: by restricting my food and viewing myself as good or bad on any given day or in any given moment based on what I have eaten,  to choose forms of movement  **or not moving** that are right and good for me regardless of the should that are swirling in my head, or to participate in activities that have nothing to do with my exterior body.  I am good enough to make my life better by concentrating on friends, family and activities that give me true and honest joy.  Not because they are subtracting something from my body, but because they are adding things to my actual life.

And damn it, I am good enough to do that.  And so are all of us!  You do you- you are entitled- and you are good enough to recover.

Release

I woke up quite innocently today, sort of ready for whatever was going to come.  I had tentative plans to go to the gym, probably walk and putter around and something in the house that wouldn't happen during the work week because of pure exhaustion.  One step outside informed me that I most likely won't walk, as it is ridiculously windy and it just won't be that much fun.

So off I go to the gym, and I start off with a fast bike sprint to warm up my incredibly sore hamstrings from yesterday's session.  I found myself trying to get to a particular time/distance combo for no other reason than competitiveness with myself....  As I was pedaling like a mad woman I started thinking about the post I wrote yesterday and also some other things that had been said in our podcast and another one that I listen to as well.  I know it was Anne-Sophie who said we are  in different places in our recovery all the time.  We are not going to be finished- something to that effect.  And as I am finishing up the first sprint I thought about how I was going to run over to my phone and record the stats before I forget them.  It suddenly seemed so wrong and inauthentic.

I have given up using my diet app for well over 3 years- it took me a long time to delete it from my phone, but I did.  The exercise app I have kept because "I want to keep track of my adventures".  Actually I am going to keep the app for my adventures- mostly to see what I did when and a few accompanying photos, but I realized today that going up to the gym and working out is not an adventure.  Nor do I need to keep track of what I have done when, because I know darn well what I have done.  

Earlier in the morning, I had opened today's journaling prompt from Anne-Sophie: it was titled "Release".  I haven't actually written about anything yet (lol, well I guess I am now!) but I knew I could cobble something together about things I may need to release from the last 3 weeks of journaling---  (If this sounds like something for you--------- go to this link------->  journaling prompts  I get absolutely nothing for this shout out, and I don't need it. It is an amazing program- and definitely will be worth every penny.)  So release was in my mind today.

As I was working out, the idea about not entering my weightlifting into the app came up again and again, and I realize that I finally do NOT NEED TO DO THIS any more.  I have divested myself of another part of my orthorexia, and I can't believe how good it feels, and also slightly scary.  My one thought was- what about all my fitness friends on Runkeeper??  Then I understood- those people aren't my actual friends.  I don't even know them. This is not a valid reason for continuing to passively be aware of the calories that I burn and the amount of exercise that I am getting.  I do not need to quantify it at all.

So, I get home and there on the Escape Diet Prison Page, as most of you know- was "Sensual Sunday" and the message today is to think less about exercise and more about moving.  Seriously I was so uplifted and validated by the universe throwing this at me along with the other things.  I have for the most part dropped the "I have to exercise *insert a number* of minutes or calories each week, but I had a little snippet of an idea because of the app.  I definitely have dropped all mind numbing exercise like the treadmill and the godforsaken elliptical (apologies to fans of these machines, but I just can't with them).  I do hop on the exercise bike because I plan to get on my bike as early in the spring as I can, because I like it! I like to bike, I love to hike and walk, I adore kayaking and weight-lifting.  These are activities I do not have to track, they are things I love to do.  If I go somewhere new- I am talking to you Rocky Mountains- I can use the app for seeing how far we went on what day and take a few photos.  But I am done tracking my walks and my weightlifting.  wow.

This is huge for me.

So back to the original topic- release.  I was primed to release another part of my disordered eating and exercising.  I have been doing this for over 3 years now, and I really did think I was done.  Just a few thoughts to realign-  nothing much.  Nothing to see here any more.  Like usual, I was so wrong. I am releasing the hold that exercise tracking had on me.  I am releasing the idea of needing to burn calories every day.  I am releasing the fact that when I work out, the work out counts in a way that is meaningful for me, even when I don't know how many calories I am in fact burning- what counts is that I am getting my body ready for life's adventures.  My weight doesn't matter, it will not keep me from embracing my life, conquering my fears and finding my joy.

I hope you can find a little thing that needs releasing today too.  We are all more than good enough to live without those things- throw them up to the wind and out of your life.

It always comes back to the food

Hello everyone!

I just got done with a walk and it was just wonderful to be outside- clouds or no clouds.  No photos today, but thats ok- I have a lot left from last weekend to edit anyway.

When I walk, I listen sometimes to music, but much of the time to podcasts.  It all depends on my mood, sometimes I have to not think about diet recovery and stuff like that, but on Podcast recording day my synapses are fired up and I want to listen.  I queued up the last episode of Escape Diet Prison, as I was not there (see above reference to last weekend!!  :) ) and began my walk.  Leila and Anne-Sophie had such a good conversation and I was inspired to get my walk done and get myself home to write about it.

The particular part that caught my attention was when Leila said her nutritionist told her that her eating disorder had evolved and was saying something different.  This rang so true to me.

I have found in my life lately I have been a bit down- you will hear about it a little on the podcast that we recorded today.  I chalked it up to winter-seasonal-lack-of-light-and-wishing-for-summer-sunshine (yes this is a thing, I say so).  I have been pretty unmotivated and out of sorts, I internalized all of the things bothering me and it has manifested itself in some weird little habits and tics in my daily life.  I have chewed the heck out of my cuticles, jingle my Island of Capri bell necklace incessantly, fiddle with my sunshine ring and even have rubbed a couple little sore spots just under my hairline.  At night I had been coming home, throwing everything in a pile and do almost nothing except play stupid games online and when I found I wasn't sleeping, I made myself read to relax. I had to force myself to be active at all, and I just was blah.

I also was eating with no real rhyme or reason.  I would eat to the point of uncomfortable fullness, compulsively eat whatever food that I saw or thought of- even if I KNEW that it would make me feel sick (and I am really good at reading my body and knowing if something will make me feel good or not). Generally, I was thinking that if I was denying myself something, I was restricting and I should "NEVER" do that.  And I won't enter into that rabbit hole ever again.  However, there was something different about this.

Something was off and wrong.  I realize, though, I didn't and don't have a diagnosed eating disorder, I definitely had disordered eating/orthorexia.  Definitely.  And as Leila put it,  and I am putting into my own words- my little ex-bestfriend was chatting to me in a different voice.  Disordered eating showed up in disguise.  It was pulling some strings and taking advantage of my slight depression and has triggered a bunch of behaviors that had been long gone.  I was eating in ways that didn't serve me at all.

Recovery from any sort of condition- mental, physical, emotional requires time and healing.  And if you are at all like me, you are an impatient sort who wants to be better now, damn it.  I didn't really understand that even if I had mostly recovered, there are always going to be a few steps back at times.  I don't like steps back- they bother me.  (this is called the head in the sand syndrome, lol)

As they discussed on the podcast, when you take away the thrills, time, and attention that chronic dieting uses and gives you- man, you have to figure out something to replace it.  For me, I have to find a self soothing method that is quick easy and always available.  I can understand how a couple of my students end up twirling their hair and giving themselves little bald spots.  I am about 3 cloudy days from becoming that myself- well not now because I have identified the issue and now I will deal with it.

When you are removing yourself from dieting you do indeed need to figure out things that will take up some time.  Because you will have a lot more time when you aren't cooking, and planning and counting calories and hiding from your troubles by doing all those things.  I am not sure what I am going to do- but I need to figure something out.

I know that in a more long term way, photography gives me a lot of the thrills and fills my need to constantly learn more and more.  That is definitely something that dieting fulfilled- my desire to constantly learn new things.  I have also begun reading a lot again- I have read more books in the last 3 years than I did in the previous 10- because I wasn't either depressed because I couldn't lose weight, or because I was so busy losing it.  I also am planning a few truly scary adventures- which is the most fulfilling way to tick several boxes for me.  I truly love the anticipation of events almost as much as the actual activity.

Fear of leaving diet culture is fear of change- stepping out of the familiar into the unknown.  But, do you want to get to the end of your life having spent the whole thing dieting and hating  yourself?  Embrace your fear and live your life.  Experiment and find your right adventure.  You are more than capable and more than good enough.

Yelling at the TV - again.....

I mentioned that I was using this blog as a companion to the Escape Diet Prison Podcast, and I want to do a short postscript on the "Oprah" episode.

People, I've been yelling at her again.  This time Oprah and her pretend best friend that she is "interviewing" ostensibly,  are chatting about how the friend feeling since she has restricted her food and artificially changed her body to suit the needs of other and by extension, lined the pockets of Oprah and the other shareholders of Weight Watchers.  You can not accuse me of being unbiased here- HA! Anyway, these two are so delighted that they can eat all sorts of foods!!

This lovely, blonde, fair skinned lady is being all yippee skippy about her weight loss and how she can now eat CHIPS!!  CHIPS!!  Isn't that special, she "gets to" eat chips because Oprah and WW says it is ok- in moderation and balance!?!  And Oprah LOVES them too!

As was discussed in the Podcast the idea that one of the most powerful, successful and wealthy woman in the WORLD feels the need to diet is absolutely crazy.  She has everything.  As she sings in her commercial (slightly altered) (she's) having it all....  Of course we cannot know what goes on in her mind, we are  not her, and we do not know what her demons are, but using that power and influence that she has on the general public- to sell a diet product for a company she owns a controlling portion of- is so so wrong.  It is close to amoral in my humble little ol' opinion. People are crazy about her, and will follow her anywhere.  I do not get that, but that is ok.  I used to admire her a lot for her story, but that shine has dulled.

BUT in this commercial, perhaps with the implication that she is "just like us", she gets all giddy over eating chips- I LOVE THEM TOO!!!  she says.  For the love of God, stop it.  WHY are you making yourself look foolish and trite with the squee-fest over potato chips.   And then to say you will live a fuller life because you have lost weight???  ARE you fucking kidding me?  sigh.  Live your full life now, without waiting. LIVE IT!!!! People don't care how much you weigh, and if they do then that is their problem- not yours.

Oprah, honey, I have a hot tip for you, if you let yourself eat potato chips when you want them i.e.: quit fighting with the chips-  the chips don't hold any more power over you.  And since it is a deep fried piece of potato, that seems like it should be completely doable.  Think about it- its a potato.  They really aren't all that powerful.  They are food.

Anyway, that is my mini-rant about Oprah, I am using my mute button on her as I have been for the "news" these days because I can't stand that either.  I'm done with Oprah- for now.  Lol.

The take away here is I hope so hard that you will look at these WW commercials for what they are- a company that is banking on the hope that you trust Oprah, and the company's reputation and name recognition, to guide you to a world where you get to restrict your food and feel bad about yourself over and over when the diet fails you, because you know it will.
Diets don't work- Live your life now- you are definitely MORE than enough to live a full life at this moment/day/week/year/lifetime.

Love and smooches!

What this is all about

So I posted the first of this new blog a whole 10 minutes ago, and already there are 4 views??  How does that even work? I have advertised this to no one.  Oh well.  My idea here is that I plan to share this blog only in the bopo groups I belong to, and perhaps twitter/instagram realm.  As we all know there are a lot of folks who are not ready for the message of body positive and inclusiveness and all the things that make haters gonna hate, so to speak.

I have had a few haters that lurk around on the internet- the chicken-livered jerks that they are.  People who actually send unsigned letters with vague threats- seriously this has happened to me, who does nothing but try to find the joy in life.  ugh.  So, seriously, if you have a point of discussion, please be adult.  I deal with children all day long and I just can't with drama and bullshit in my downtime.  Thanks!

So, as I alluded to in my first post, I plan to use this blog as a companion to the podcast that I am part of.  I never in my wildest imagination thought I would ever be on a podcast.  Crazy talk.  First of all, I do not really feel particularly qualified for said podcast, but I have been assured that I have plenty to contribute, and I am getting more comfortable with the whole thing.  I even listened to us whilst driving down to the oldest son's house this past weekend- the weather and driving was pretty miserable and I couldn't deal with my phone to change the broadcast.  yikes!  So I heard the one about about weight stigma and bias- (episode 43)  I sounded kind of awful, I barely had a voice, but I have to say we are pretty entertaining.

We have covered a lot of ground in the last 6 or 7 weeks.  From a solo episode where I talk with Anne-Sophie about how I got to where I am now, to discussing Oprah and her shady weight-watcher involvement.  We are three diverse people coming from very different backgrounds.  I am the person who is not in the business of coaching in one form or another and I did not have an actual eating disorder as they did.  But what I do bring to the table is my age and experience, and the whole decades of thinking that I sucked because of my weight.

After my previously mentioned search for something different than diets, I definitely looked around for help.  I read the blog of Isabelle Foxen Duke (and someone else I can't remember)  and some information on the websites of a couple fitness trainer type people.  I was at that time so far down that fitness rabbit hole, I had no intention of being anything less than buff, even if I gained a little weight....  oy did the universe let me know that I was not in charge eventually, but that is for another time.  The podcasts were helpful, but I felt short changed- I needed more.  I needed something as intensive as the support I got for dieting.  I found  some free short programs and I checked around for prices for this new thing I found called life coaching.  Everything seemed so expensive, or not enough, or just not quite right.

I happened upon (this is sort of a love letter about my coach, she literally helped me regain my sanity and life) Anne-Sophie initially through her previous- Your Life Your Success- podcast.  She has a lovely voice, and I love her accent so so much.  She has always had a very calming effect on me.  I have been known to get a little anxious about things and I am drawn to calming people.  Anyway, I was LUCKY ENOUGH to find her when she was working on one of her certifications and I got some really great sessions from her in her earlyish career.  I began doing occasional private coaching calls and then I entered her 6 month small group writing circles, which was based on journaling, meditation and Skype calls.  This was the life changing time for me.  This is where I discovered the things I needed to about myself and where I made change and accepted myself for who I am.  I have not stepped on a scale in my house in 3 years this month, I do not know my weight and I do not care what it is.  Big changes have happened.

I guess my years of teaching, plus my dedication to wanting to be free of the whole dieting culture and mentality has given me some perspectives and opinions that are worth sharing.  At least I hope that is true!  Like all of us, sometimes I feel insecure.

 BUT we are MORE than good enough to share our opinions.  No matter what we look like, what we weigh, what our size is- we are all worthy.