So off I go to the gym, and I start off with a fast bike sprint to warm up my incredibly sore hamstrings from yesterday's session. I found myself trying to get to a particular time/distance combo for no other reason than competitiveness with myself.... As I was pedaling like a mad woman I started thinking about the post I wrote yesterday and also some other things that had been said in our podcast and another one that I listen to as well. I know it was Anne-Sophie who said we are in different places in our recovery all the time. We are not going to be finished- something to that effect. And as I am finishing up the first sprint I thought about how I was going to run over to my phone and record the stats before I forget them. It suddenly seemed so wrong and inauthentic.
I have given up using my diet app for well over 3 years- it took me a long time to delete it from my phone, but I did. The exercise app I have kept because "I want to keep track of my adventures". Actually I am going to keep the app for my adventures- mostly to see what I did when and a few accompanying photos, but I realized today that going up to the gym and working out is not an adventure. Nor do I need to keep track of what I have done when, because I know darn well what I have done.
Earlier in the morning, I had opened today's journaling prompt from Anne-Sophie: it was titled "Release". I haven't actually written about anything yet (lol, well I guess I am now!) but I knew I could cobble something together about things I may need to release from the last 3 weeks of journaling--- (If this sounds like something for you--------- go to this link-------> journaling prompts I get absolutely nothing for this shout out, and I don't need it. It is an amazing program- and definitely will be worth every penny.) So release was in my mind today.
As I was working out, the idea about not entering my weightlifting into the app came up again and again, and I realize that I finally do NOT NEED TO DO THIS any more. I have divested myself of another part of my orthorexia, and I can't believe how good it feels, and also slightly scary. My one thought was- what about all my fitness friends on Runkeeper?? Then I understood- those people aren't my actual friends. I don't even know them. This is not a valid reason for continuing to passively be aware of the calories that I burn and the amount of exercise that I am getting. I do not need to quantify it at all.
So, I get home and there on the Escape Diet Prison Page, as most of you know- was "Sensual Sunday" and the message today is to think less about exercise and more about moving. Seriously I was so uplifted and validated by the universe throwing this at me along with the other things. I have for the most part dropped the "I have to exercise *insert a number* of minutes or calories each week, but I had a little snippet of an idea because of the app. I definitely have dropped all mind numbing exercise like the treadmill and the godforsaken elliptical (apologies to fans of these machines, but I just can't with them). I do hop on the exercise bike because I plan to get on my bike as early in the spring as I can, because I like it! I like to bike, I love to hike and walk, I adore kayaking and weight-lifting. These are activities I do not have to track, they are things I love to do. If I go somewhere new- I am talking to you Rocky Mountains- I can use the app for seeing how far we went on what day and take a few photos. But I am done tracking my walks and my weightlifting. wow.
This is huge for me.
So back to the original topic- release. I was primed to release another part of my disordered eating and exercising. I have been doing this for over 3 years now, and I really did think I was done. Just a few thoughts to realign- nothing much. Nothing to see here any more. Like usual, I was so wrong. I am releasing the hold that exercise tracking had on me. I am releasing the idea of needing to burn calories every day. I am releasing the fact that when I work out, the work out counts in a way that is meaningful for me, even when I don't know how many calories I am in fact burning- what counts is that I am getting my body ready for life's adventures. My weight doesn't matter, it will not keep me from embracing my life, conquering my fears and finding my joy.
I hope you can find a little thing that needs releasing today too. We are all more than good enough to live without those things- throw them up to the wind and out of your life.