The podcasts I listen to are the diet recovery type (because I don't know what else to listen to right now) - including the one that I am a part of I sometimes listen to my music but regretfully my phone doesn't have my favorite playlists anymore--- an unfortunate occurrence when I had to replace my phone last summer. I have to reload them from my Dropbox at some point, but you know- sometimes things like that just don't get done.
The problem with listening to podcasts while you are walking is that you forget what in the world you were inspired by whilst walking, and this is getting to be a real problem. Am I going to have to take along a notepad?? I get distracted by many things- mostly my incredibly active imagination- and I indeed forget by the end of the hour or so. sigh. I will listen to them again soon, but I did retain a memory from the end of a different podcast than Escape Diet Prison. The ones I listen to are really good, but today it was apparent to me how different I am, in many ways, than most of the people who participate in the body positive/anti-diet sort of media.
A woman was chatting with the host about her history and what she does and she talked about how back several years ago she was just a child and so different--- and then she said she was 26. (All of my children are older than her) hmmmm. I am not saying that what this lovely person wasn't interesting or relevant or authentic. She was- but when I heard her tell her age, I started thinking about how different things were "when I grew up".
Maybe the different isn't so much the when-I-grew-up sort of thing, but instead the how-long-I-have-been-doing-this sort of thing. I don't mean at all to imply that younger people haven't gone through a lot of shit in their life. People who have really suffered the physical and emotional effects of an eating disorder or disordered eating of any sort clearly have been through combat. And recovery from that is brutal.
I have been through that combat, and it is not fun, but it does lead to a much better life. But beyond that, I have been around a while and I have probably never had a truly comfortable relationship with my body. Until now. I think back to my 20's and 30's and 40's and know that I was on a constant quest to change myself.
What began in my early teens with a casual comment that I would grow into my "baby fat", my mother admitting that she smoked to keep her weight down, the magazines that even then plugged different products that would guarantee weight loss. It was hard to find cute clothes, or at least that was my perception at "my size". We only had one car and we lived a distance from the mall and clothes stores.... and manufacturers really did not make stylish clothes in larger sizes. If you think that you have a hard time now (it seems recently- in the last 2/3 years- that this is getting better: thank you internet) you should have been around then.
Forward to my 20's when I had my three boys. I was cautioned over and over not to gain too much weight (while pregnant)- for no other reason that I could see than to keep my weight down. I tested fine for everything including gestational diabetes and all the other lovely things that can happen. While no one actively told me to lose my baby weight, that was expected. In spite of no internet, there was pressure to regain your pre pregnancy body. Ladies I knew complained about how they grew shoe sizes or how their waists were never the same. Some hated that the boobs they grew during pregnancy then shrunk and then sagged. You know because we want to stay the exact same from the age of 14 on until we are 85..... and those changes are so bad. (sarcasm alert)
As the kids grew, I continued on my quest to lose weight, and was successful once or twice. But as diets do, once you quit or are bingeing in response to the restrictions, they fail. I was waiting for an art teaching job to open, so I was biding my time until I could begin a full time job. All the while wishing for a different body. Ignoring the fact that I was very frustrated and impatient to start a job I wanted. As we all have, I was dealing with my own things in my life and all the while - so not happy.
I remember waking up for years thinking how I was going to "start today" to lose weight and then by the end of the day - I did things to make myself perceive that I failed. I focused on my eating, I beat myself up if I didn't get the correct amount of exercise, I didn't feel like I had enough money to invest in the programs that were actually in our remote area- things like Weight Watchers or what have you. Instead I used the information that a friend had as she used it, and she shared. I bought special food, restricted my calories, recorded everything and eventually got so sick of it all that I gave up. Or I should say allowed myself to just drop it gradually.
I did this with a few programs, lost weight and then gained it back. And then felt awful, all the while our culture encouraged that feeling of failure by always having a new program that was "sure to work when other things let you down". Always a tone of- wow you loser, you can't even follow a simple diet. I felt like I couldn't do anything right because I was always so hungry I caved.
Fast forward to the internet and me getting a smart phone and eventually a computer and WIFI. And there was my"savior" a health and fitness app that helped me keep track of my food and exercise. I had my phone with me always so I could fill in the form all the time and ALSO I had **friends** who helped support my quest.
I am not going to say that using the app and finding these friends was a bad thing because 2 or 3 of those people have become some of my closest friends. I can not regret that time, as I actually came into my own - and most likely because of my age- I began doing things EVEN IF I was afraid. My parents did not encourage doing unsafe things, my husband certainly does not, and I for the most part found "safe" friends. But once online, I found not "safe" friends- not that they were creepy, but they did not encourage me to stay exactly the same and not break out of my shell. My safe friends encouraged me to do things I didn't think I could do. One of them constantly challenged me to do things I implied I couldn't. And then I did.
Perhaps all these things happened because I grew up in a time when we were much less connected, and we lived on a farm far from our neighbors and I loved 10 miles from school. My parents very much kept to themselves and we socialized with only a few families, most were relatives. I understand how I am a product of my environment and of my own personality tendencies.
Anyway, I find I have a very different perspective on life these days, and it is frequently underscored when I am interacting with the many younger friends that I have. Just because you are different doesn't mean you are wrong, and just because you are older doesn't mean your view is not important. We have a lot to share and a lot to teach, but it is very good to listen for alternative points of view as well. But know that you have more wisdom than you can ever imagine and when you blossom and trust yourself and believe that you are worthy of sharing your thoughts. You are more than good enough to contribute to this world.
