This is not exactly a pleasant experience, but it is a place from which personal growth can flourish. I, like every other person in the world, am haunted by feelings of inadequacy. Of course in an area that I get the most artistic and personal satisfaction, but yet I never feel like I can measure up to those I admire. I imagine it is because I want to be "GOOD" at my personal passion of photography.
My issue is my perceptions of others. I perceive that they have the way of thinking that is technical and mechanical and computer literate and they have extreme attention to detail and unlimited patience, knowledge, money and time- in other words: the ability to be a way better photographer than I am. Lol. I am exaggerating, but seriously, this is the path that I lead myself on when I look at the work of the people I admire the most. It never occurs to my hyper-critical mind that perhaps they go through the same processes and struggles that I do. Or the fact they all focus on one or two types of photography and don't do the same things I do. And seriously how nice they are and how helpful they always seem to be if you ask for advice.
I doubt that these people would agree with my perceptions of them, and indeed I hamper my growth sometimes by getting distracted by all the stuff I like to do in addition to photography. The saying goes- a jack of all trades, master of none.
As an art teacher, I definitely am a jackie of all trades- I can draw, paint, do clay, print making, etc, and I can hold the hand (figuratively) of my students as I go, helping them feel successful and teaching them about life and relationships and work ethic and creativity and perseverance. They think I can do everything. And if I can't, I can figure out how to fix it.
When I get out into the adult world, things are a little less full of admiration. And I occasionally take this fact as rejection of any skills I actually do have.... oy.
Ok, so this isn't really all about photography, it is about the things I reflected on when this came up in my most recent coaching session. I need to step back and think about things more realistically, less full of the feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. I went through these feeling about my art teaching a few years ago, and I have worked through that fairly satisfactorily.
The good thing about not being in Diet Prison is that you have so many other things that you can do with your life other than plan, execute and regret the things that you eat. Fun activities that you can participate in besides figuring out how to burn the most calories in the most efficient way. Ways to keep yourself occupied that does not involve research on the latest food fads, exercise trends, and fitness apps and apparatus.
But we have, lying in wait, the real issues that bother us. These issues are ready to pop up when we are not paying attention. They make us doubt ourselves and our go to response is to turn inward and blame ourselves for things we never learned or interests that never served us. We are face to face with a job we still hate, a relationship that is toxic for our mental health, or being overwhelmed with people taking advantage of our unwillingness to disappoint someone and therefore we end up doing things that we smile and say we are fine with, but underneath we are seething and resentful. The true issues that are still there and bubble into our consciousness.
It seems that these thing like to happen when you are innocently washing dishes, driving your car or when someone makes comments to you that alarm you. You don't have the distraction of hating your body, but that might still be the go to reaction. I find I have STILL times when I get unhappy with the way I freaking look in reaction to a great amount of stress in some aspect of my personal life. We must deal with the underlying things that really, REALLY are there and causing us pain. (Photography isn't a real painful topic, but it is important enough to me, and deeply personal, that it makes a good example)
SO, self care: self coaching..... paid coaching.... meditation.... deep breathing..... journaling.....
this is my arsenal of tools that help me get ahold of myself. So I can get back to feeling light and easy again. So I can take another step down the path of true healing. If you are in this place, know that it is normal. Know that you can do this, you can face your life without the shield of dieting. You can deal with your problems past and present and not blame your body for them. You don't have to restrict your food and make yourself smaller to please those around you. You, like me- we are more than good enough to take up our space.
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