Both Leila and Anne-Sophie had diagnosed eating disorders and were in official treatments for them. They had some serious issues and I am one of the most grateful people in the world that their treatment has brought them into my life. They went through a lot of seriously dangerous - health-wise- times in their lives and fortunately found the places, people and techniques to overcome and continue to recover from these illnesses.
My story is different than theirs, as I had no official diagnosis. I want it to be known that I neither think this is better or worse- it is just different. This is a huge moment of self realization #1 for me this week.
When I was at the beginning of my search for another way to live other than dieting, I didn't feel worthy. Even though I was thin enough to fit into the accepted social standards of "she looks good" I didn't feel that I was thin enough. Though I had extremely disordered eating- to the point of cutting my calories to the point that my exercise zeroed out my intake for the day and I thought that was not only ok, but admirable- I didn't think I did it well enough. When I began to recover from this, through a life coaching program that had me writing my way through the different aspects of my life- I didn't think I was "sick enough" to spend the money to get through it and recover.
And now, even though I don't believe it, there are some who probably believe i didn't recover right. And maybe juuuuuusssssst a tiny bit of myself may have believed that for a moment, too. (HMOSR #2)
Since there is still the underlying message in society that being thinner is inherently better than being heavier, it seems to my warped-up mind that ultimately you should be able to eat what you want, not restrict and stay on the lighter side. That, if you are honoring your body, the least your body can do is pay attention to all the ads and beauty sites and become or stay visually in alignment with what they are showing. That you need to have visible muscles to be strong. That if you gain weight and no longer look like a 12 year old, and if not, you have some how failed. blah blah blah..... bullshit.
This interesting bit of news occurred to me during the podcast and I quickly wanted to call myself out on said bullshit.
I know that I have recovered right. I recovered right because I can have a half of a pb sandwich and a brownie for breakfast and it was good and I didn't even think about it. I can choose to skip the gym and a long walk this weekend because I need down time and it is ok. I can immerse myself in another good book instead of "accomplishing something" because it is what I need to do. Debi has recovered in her own unique Debi way.
And most important is that I KNOW I needed TO recover. It doesn't matter if I had a diagnosis, because I was trying to alter my body in unnecessary ways: by restricting my food and viewing myself as good or bad on any given day or in any given moment based on what I have eaten, to choose forms of movement **or not moving** that are right and good for me regardless of the should that are swirling in my head, or to participate in activities that have nothing to do with my exterior body. I am good enough to make my life better by concentrating on friends, family and activities that give me true and honest joy. Not because they are subtracting something from my body, but because they are adding things to my actual life.
And damn it, I am good enough to do that. And so are all of us! You do you- you are entitled- and you are good enough to recover.